I was 15 when it happened. It was in a science lab at school and someone pointed at my stomach, laughed and said it was sticking out. I will never forget how that comment made me feel but unfortunately, I have forgotten who it was who found it so amusing to point at me in that way. I really would love the opportunity to tell that person just how destructive their opinions have been.
Since that day I have controlled almost everything there is to control about food. I have lied, I have deceived and I have abused my body in the most shameful of ways but it is only in the past few months that I have actually been able to admit that I have an eating disorder.
However ...
4 months ago I began to reduce the control I had over my addiction.
2 weeks ago the battery ran out on my scales and as yet, has not been replaced.
4 days ago I made the decision to stop everything in an attempt to overcome the control I have had over myself.
And today?? Today I think I might just be able to say that for the first time in 25 years, I have taken my first tentative steps towards recovery.
But why 'come out' in this very public way? Well, if I am going to stand any
chance of achieving recovery, I need to be honest with myself
and others ... but the thought of doing that face to face scares me more than
a plate full of pasta so I apologise to those who feel cheated but this is all I am capable of right now!!
I have no idea what people will say when they find out about this and to be honest, that is pretty scary. I'm sure some will judge and some will not believe me, some will ridicule and others will no doubt accuse me of attention seeking. But I hope most will support and attempt to understand ... even though it is almost impossible to do that without actually experiencing the torment that grips you every single day!!
Never did I think I would be sat here, writing this but I have 'met' some hugely inspirational people over the past couple of weeks who have shown me that recovery is not only possible but also something that can have a hugely positive affect on your life. So I'm giving it a go and I feel so fortunate to have the support of these people along the way.
It's staggering to discover just how many people are affected by this and as shocking as it is ... it can also be so inspiring, particularly when you find out that these people have turned their lives around in the most incredible ways. Chrissie Wellington, one of the worlds best triathletes, overcame her own eating disorder to become Ironman world champion 4 times over ... Her picture and these words "It is this faith in my body that has enabled me to reach the huge
highs and overcome the lows that come with training and racing" are stuck on my cupboard door and both inspire me every day!!
As most know ... when I set my mind to something, I become intensely focused so I guess people might wonder why I have never just set my mind to this. Trust me ... If I could have then I would have done it a long time ago but this is something more powerful that my own stubborn determination. Or so I thought!! I am now feeling just about brave enough and strong enough to tackle this head on and show it who is boss!!!!
I am under no illusion that it is going to be easy. I am sure I will stumble and trip and fall a fair few times before I get to the end of the road ... if I reach the end of the road at all. But for the first time ever I know that I want to travel down the road and see what's at the end.
For this, and all the huge physical challenges that I have planned for 2013, I need to see food as something positive and not something that can damage me, hurt me or make me fat. Don't get me wrong ... I like food. I enjoy cooking it, tasting it and even eating it but I don't like what it does to me. Or rather what I THINK it does to me. I need to start seeing it for what it is ... as something that can help me and make me stronger and healthier than I have been in a very long time!!! (I am told that one day I may just believe this!!)
I long for the day that I can walk past a mirror or window and not check myself. Actually, forget that, I'm female ... that day is NEVER going to come!! Instead, I shall long for the day when I can look in the mirror and think "so what if my tummy is sticking out a little bit" and instead see the inner me and feel proud of what I have achieved and how far I have come along the recovery road.
If I like the external reflection that looks back at me ... well that's a bonus!!
If I like the external reflection that looks back at me ... well that's a bonus!!
To follow my progress with this and other challenges you can find me on facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Another-Ultra-Crazy-Year/267458936633858?fref=ts
Or to donate to one of the charities that I am supporting throughout my Ultra-Crazy year, please go to:
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